come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
