I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
