All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
