I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
