Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
