I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
