New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
