The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
