I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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