i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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