Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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