i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
