I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
