I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
