i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
