Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
