i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
