I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
