I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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