I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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