You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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