He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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