tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
