Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
