Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
