Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
