Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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