I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
