I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
North Korea, Best Korea!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
