I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
