i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
