Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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