I hate all girls vehemently.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
