Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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