i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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