I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
