dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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