People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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