now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
