You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
