Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
