I'm really into asian looking animals
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
