Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
