I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
