my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
