Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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