On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You have to summon your inner elephant
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
