Your face is a jimmy john
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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