I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
