Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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