so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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